So, how about that Twilight, huh?

Howdy. It's been a while, hasn't it?

I got new excuse about why I haven't posted recently. Not busy, not anything. Just lazy. But every once and a while, something drags me out of my hibernation and forces me to rant...

Before I get into it, I just wanna say that for the first time in years, I agreed with the Oscar pick for best picture. But that ain't what this post is about, I just thought I's put that out there.

No sir or madam, tonight's story in a land far, far away from Oscar-dom. It starts in FYE, where our mild-mannered film nut was buying a new set of headphones for his mp3-player. All was going great and mundane. My roommate was there (buying the same, don't ask why we both were sans headphones, I honestly couldn't tell you), and she and I were having a fun and happy conversation about movies (I think it was about Thor or something). And then the clerk said it...

"Hey, would you like to pre-order New Moon?" (For the 3 of you alive who don't know, this is the sequel to the film Twilight, but more on that later.)

I kept it somewhat tame (by my standards, at least) and said no, but it opened a flood gate of bile in me. For you see, I've seen Twilight.

And it sucked.

I'll get more into it than that, rest assured. But seriously, I do not in any way comprehend how this movie faired so well at the box office. It kind of actually made me question my faith in humanity.

Once upon a time, vampires were cool, were badass, were Vlad the Goddamn Impaler! And then came Anne Rice, who took a big steaming dump on the horror mythos and took every instance of the words "terrifying" and "violent" and replaced them with "effeminate" and "angsty" and "vaguely homoerotic." She took everything that made Dracula cool, everything that made Nosferatu a bone-chilling classic and replaced it with foppishness, roses, and Skinamax-quality softcore sex (and acting, for that matter). And she ran all the way to the bank with it, prompting every one who's come since to follow suit. Look at Angel in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for example. And this film goes further still with pacifying the vampire by making them "vegetarians" in the sense that they don't drink human blood. Seriously. The vampires actually call themselves vegetarians. And they sparkle in the sunlight instead of the classic bursting into flames, because, well, because they basically couldn't jump the shark fast enough for the ol' vampire mythos, I guess.

And people are eating it up, hence the success of this cinematic abomination. Because apparently girls want their guys mysterious and somewhat effeminate and undead. And guys apparently want to be superhuman and somewhat effeminate and undead. Or something. I studied film, not sociology, for Christ's sake.

But that isn't a fair issue with the movie, just my personal condemnation of this genre as a whole these days. What I actually hated about the movie can be summed up in three major things...

First, there's the fact that nothing that happens in this high school remotely resembles reality. The new girl comes in, and she's immediately accepted and liked and preened over. No one taunts people, no bullying happens, and everyone is accepted, save for the occasional sideways glance at the vampires for being weird. I understand that this is a fantasy world and the film's full of hope and whimsy and fantasy, but if Harry Potter can have Malfoy tossing clash trash at him, then why can't we get one joke about the school's only asian kid? I just need a LITTLE reality.

Second, the production values sucked. I mean, I'll accept the bad actors. But when you have a movie you KNOW is gonna be big, can't you spare a few grand more to make the super-powered vampire running fast actually look good? I mean, in the old Flash TV show (about a dude who runs fast)it looked better, and that was 20 years ago! You'd think we'd be able to make it better now.

Here's a link to what I'm talking about. And yes, this music went through my head when I saw this for the first time, too.

But the big one was the third thing I hated... The entire movie is about an abusive relationship.

Caught you off-guard there, didn't I?

Seriously, let me break it down for you: Girl falls for mysterious, dark, creepy loner. All of girl's friends tell her she should get away from him, and that he's bad news, but girl says no, he's just misunderstood and she loves him. Girl gets hurt and (I swear to God, Budha, Thor and William Shatner I am not making this up) guy actually convinces her family and doctors that she FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. What makes it even worse is that the injuries were obviously made by someone's bare hands. But seriously, isn't that disturbing to anyone else?

So there you have it, why I think this movie sucks. And I just realized I spoiled it for you... You should thank me, since you don't have to see it now.

Tim on the Oscars

Now, I know we won't know officially who gets the nods for another couple weeks, but I feel the need to make me some predictions on the big awards. And I have to admit, I have a few picks on here that I don't want to see get nods, but think they will, and I also have a few that I don't think will get them, but I think should.

So feel free to argue with 'em, and please, feel free to do so in the very vacant comment threads, but here goes:

Best Picture:
- Inglourious Basterds
- Up
- The Road
- Moon
- Nine
- Avatar
- Away We Go
- Fantastic Mr. Fox
- The Hurt Locker
- Precious

Best Director:
- James Cameron, Avatar
- Quintin Tarentino, Inglourious Basterds
- Rob Marshall, Nine
- Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
- John Hilcoat, The Road

Best Actor:
- George Clooney, Up in the Air
- Robert DeNiro, Everybody’s Fine
- Viggo Mortenson, The Road
- Daniel Day Lewis, Nine
- Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Best Actress:
- Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe, Precious
- Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
- Hilary Swank, Amelia
- Rachel Weisz, The Lovely Bones
- Carey Mulligan, An Education

So there's my predictions for the big 4 of the Oscars. Let the infighting begin!

Also, stay tuned to the site, as I'll have a new review up soon, as well as the beginning of a new series called "Better Late Than Never," where I'll review a relatively new movie that's making the DVD rounds that you (like me) may have missed in theaters.

Stay frosty, filmgeeks!

-Tim

Lettin' All The Big Balls Drop: Tim's picks for the best of last decade.

Well, woo to the hoo, it's 2010. A new year, which apparently means new, um, stuff.

It's also the end of a decade, too! And what an interesting decade it was in movie-land, wasn't it? There were many, many great films in the last 10 years. And there were also a fair share of clunkers (I'm looking at you, Battlefield Earth). But today, dear readers, I'm going to take a moment to go into the good.

Many films this decade tested conventions, and not just by beating us over the head with tales of morality and alternative lifestyles (I'm looking at you, Brokeback Mountain). We laughed at them, cried with them, and sometimes just wondered where the hell they were going (I guess I'm looking at you again, Battlefield Earth... Well, you and Mulholland Drive, and those damn Matrix sequels... Wait, I'm sorry, I was supposed to be going on about the good movies of the decade here).

So before I get distracted again, here's Tim's picks for the 5 best films of the last decade. Now, as much as I sometimes try to think that I'm above shoving my opinion down your throat like a typical film critic, I am only human, and thus these are my picks... But I do hope you look past the opinion side of this and agree with me that, whether you rate them as good as I do, they're fine cinematic achievements.

First off, I'd like to mention a few honorable mentions in this, stuff that is noteworthy but just barely misses my list, not based on their flaws, but on how damn good the rest were:

- Children of Men, it's smart and realistic look at a horrifying future is only matched by the fact that it has some of the greatest and most intense action scenes I've ever seen.
- Oldboy, one of the more wonderful symphonies of violence I have ever seen.
- 28 Days Later, a mind-blowingly realistic look at "zombies" that was really, truly terrifying.
- Batman Begins, for making the comic book movie something more than just a movie.
- The Departed, for being one of the only times a remake has been better than the original (and Oscar-worthy, at that).
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, one of the few movies I have ever seen that made me cry.

So without further ado...

5: Shaun of the Dead - While it may not have spawned the zom-com genre (Remember Peter Jackson's Dead Alive?), it may have mastered it. Take the dryness of British humor, splice in ample amounts of gore and the walking dead, well over a hundred nods to practically every horror film that came before it, and you have this, an understated masterpiece, and by-far my favorite comedy of the last decade. The reason no one takes it seriously as a film is because it was not meant for us to take it seriously... The film itself doesn't take its premise or anything else seriously. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost come off as a modern day, foul-mouthed Abbot and Costello, thrust into a waking nightmare and handling it as their dopey characters handle everything, through humor even in the face of a zombie apocalypse. And while the film is loaded with these goofs making asses of themselves for our entertainment, they also find themselves growing and making tough decisions. All in all, if zombie outbreak ever actually happens, I kind of hope this is how my friends and I would take it.

4: Pan's Labyrinth - Good God, Guillermo del Toro is goooooood. I mean damn good. And this one, this is by far his best. This film blurs the line between fantasy and reality in a way that can only be called perfect. The daily horrors of the main character are gritty, dark and compelling, and the fantasy sequences that surround this grittiness are otherworldly and also absolutely real, not to mention even more terrifying at times than the real world. Mr. del Toro had proven himself already by this point, but raised the bar much, much higher with this one. And after seeing this, I think we can all say The Hobbit is in good hands.

3: Requiem For A Dream - Bold, visceral, and unapologetic, this one makes my list for too many reasons to count. Ellen Burstyn gives one of my favorite performances ever in this one, as we are forced to watch the brutal downward spirals of her, her son, his girlfriend, and his best friend, in arguably the best study of addiction I have ever seen. This one defies the typical Hollywood happy ending, and just as you think things may possibly get better for the people we're watching, the rug is pulled out from under us, and things just get worse and worse right up to the final frame. This film is tough to watch, and it rips the still-beating heart out of the American dream, and we are all better off for it.

2: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy - Okay, maybe this one is a cop-out, lumping the entire series together, but the argument I'll make is that none of these films can really be picked out above the rest, and that they really all have to be considered as one work. One nearly 12 hour long work. This is one of the most ambitious projects in modern film history, and it pays off. Everything is near perfection, from the locations to the sound to the acting (And I'll go on record to say that Sir Ian McKellen's portrayal of Gandalf is the single greatest piece of acting I have ever seen). These films redefined what "epic" means, and proved that the realm of fantasy, once relegated to the garages and basements of the Dungeons and Dragons crowd, was something for everyone.

1: The Dark Knight - This was a tough call for me. I kept batting around between this and Lord of the Rings over which was more important. In the end, I have to go with this one, however, not just based on its own merits, but also what it has done to the film world around it.

While Batman Begins gave us the first believable, serious, thoughtful mainstream comic book film, Dark Knight perfected this. It managed to completely erase the damage that Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher did to the name of the Bat, and make a hell of a lot of people take notice. While everyone and their grandmother praised Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker (and he deserves every single bit of said praise), everyone else was spot-on in their roles as well. Gary Oldman brought Jim Gordon to life perfectly, capturing everything that has made him a wonderful character since Alan Moore's watershed graphic novel, The Killing Joke. Morgan Freeman's version of Lucius Fox? Also perfect. And in something that most people seem to overlook due to the carton of cigarettes a day voice thing, Christian Bale's Batman/Bruce Wayne is also perfect in the sense that it does something that no other actor before him has even tried: he manages to make you realize, much like the modern Batman comic books do, that Batman is not the mask, but rather Bruce Wayne is.

But all that alone wasn't enough to tip the scales for me. No, it took the aftermath of the film (which was also the biggest box-office success of the decade). Primarily, look at the Oscars. Due to the fallout of Dark Knight not getting a best picture nod last year, the Academy DOUBLED the number of nominees for best picture, something it should have done ages ago. The Oscars are much larger now due to this film. And if I've learned anything from Arsenio Hall's alter ego Chunky A, if something is larger, it must also be that much "in charger". Yeah, I know that was a lot of work to make a joke like that, but dammit, this film deserves it!

So there ya have it, dear readers. My picks for the big ones. Hope you liked 'em.

Scantily Clad And Blue All Over: A Review Of Avatar

Just got back from James Cameron's super-expensive almost completely CGI'd new film Avatar, his first time putting something out for the masses since that one about the big sinking boat back in 1997. There's been so much hype around this film, quite possibly more hype than I have ever seen around a big motion picture before (which I suppose is what 400 million dollars will get for your film). And I have to admit, that made me very, very weary going into it. I mean, usually when a film is this secretive prior to its national release, and this hyped, it tends to crash and burn (I'm talking to you, Matrix sequels). So, is that the case here?

Well, dear readers, I'm proud to say that, in my opinion, no. Avatar is good. Damn good. Not perfect mind you, not by any reach of the imagination, but pretty damn good.

The first (and most predominant) thing about this movie that will strike you is the visuals. And I highly suggest that if you have the option, see this in 3D. The first 20 minutes or so are slow and somewhat mundane setup material, but once the main protagonist, Jake Sully (played surprisingly well by Sam "Have I done anything besides that horrid Terminator film" Worthington) sets foot - er, wheelchair wheel - on the surface of Pandora, the film takes a visual turn that words cannot describe. Seriously, this is the most beautiful looking film I have ever seen. I cannot actually come up with a sentence that does the visuals justice. The visuals in this film shove the entire medium of film forward at least 10 years, possibly more, and I think we might be waiting a while before we see images on film more breathtaking than we do here. Never before have I ever seen CGI that made me forget it was CGI, nor did I ever expect a movie about giant blue people with tails to be able to make me forget about the CGI, but this one does it.

The casting in this film is solid, albeit the characters are a tad cookie cutter. Sigourney Weaver, Michelle Rodriguez and Joel Moore are decent in their roles, and Stephen Lang gives us a hard-as-nails jackass Colonel that we love to hate. But of all of the supporting cast, the best was Giovanni Ribisi... But part of this is due to the fact that he was the only member of the supporting cast who really gave us much depth. He comes off as a businessman who only cares about profit, but when his actions start yielding results (which come with some nasty consequences for the indigenous people of the planet Pandora), its his silent looks and demeanor that adds some depth to scenes that would otherwise be, in a word, boring.

I hint on it there in that last paragraph, but now I'll head into the one really weak link in this film: the script. It's cohesive, lacking in any real major plot holes, but it's very reminiscent of other films (Dances With Wolves, Aliens, and even Fern Gully come to mind, to name a few). And for the most part that's okay; I don't mind seeing plot points I've already seen before in previous films, and sometimes that familiarity can even be comforting when seeing a world as unique and alien as the one in this film. But at times the lines feel forced, as do the performances. As with many movies of this type, the villain or villains feel kind of one-dimensional, flat, and somewhat unbelievable. Simply put, the film is another simplified repeat of the common "Military/Capitalist Machine Bad" message that has graced us for decades.

You know, I gotta feel for the Marines here. Whenever a branch of the military gets singled out as the personification of evil in a film, it's always those guys. I mean, can't we have the Coast Guard threatening to blow of the indigenous people of some random planet just once?

Anywho, the plot is the only part of this movie that really stood out as hurting the experience. But, and I never thought I would say this, the rest of this film is engrossing enough to put it on the back burner. The film is beautiful, and most of the time is beautifully directed by Cameron. The shots are flawless, the score is epic, and the world is very well thought-out. While it's a rather long film, it kept me interested despite a lack of surprises and stand-out acting, by replacing the need for that with near-perfection in many other aspects of the film.

So all in all, Avatar is, while not the perfect film some people were expecting going in, well worth the time and money spent for me to go see it. And I think it will also be for you too.

Especially if you see it in 3D. Holy God, especially if you see it in 3D. Just remind yourself to blink from time to time.

Coming Soon-ish

Ah, the film review... Something so easy, everyone can do it, and most people do. Poorly. I don't say this because I disagree with them (and I do quite often), I say this because of a lack of any form of integrity and discipline to it. It does not take any skillful wording, or any sort of educated eye to ramble on about how good Twilight was, especially when the bread and butter of the "argument" is based on how hot that sparkling turd Edward Cullen is. And frankly, I thought it sucked.

Frankly, I think the average film critic sucks. The internet has given us a ruptured floodgate of opinions, which is a great thing in theory. However, 90+ percent of the internet critics cannot back their arguments about films with anything more than their likes and dislikes, pushing aside the merits a film may have and basing the "review" on nothing more than whether it's their type of film. The flaw in this is that if such a critic is not a fan of slow-paced romantic dramas, for example, then they can say Casablanca sucked. I, personally, am not that big a fan of Casablanca, but I'll be the first to say that it is one of the greatest films ever made, based upon its technical merits, fantastic acting and direction, and its ability to withstand the test of time (and Ted Turner's colorization).

The professional critics are no better. When large amounts of money go into your pocket for this, or when you are given a private screening of a film, it can sometimes replace objectivity, as you now have something to gain from a good, or in some cases bad, review. And then there's those morons you see on network television who mask their lack of adapting to the media climate behind dated catchphrases, horrendous gimmicks, atrocious mustaches and a goddamned bowtie.

Yeah, I'm not a Gene Shalit fan.

So this is what I propose: I'm going to take a stab at this, and I'm going to get my voice heard in this. I like to think I know a few things about film, and hope to hell some of you out there want to hear what I have to say about it.

So check back here in the very near future, as I'm going to start off with a bang, by reviewing the most expensive film ever made: Avatar.